I had PPD after Olivia was born. I got on drugs, things were better. But before that I just had a hard time. I had no time for me. She needed me all.the.time. And she was uhhhhh, high maintenance. When I put her to bed, I would jump online for a few minutes of connection with other moms. With people who would maybe, maybe understand the way I was feeling. At the time, not many of my friends had kids, and I really had no one to vent to. So anyhow, after the first year or so, things got better. I found myself a little bit again, and Olivia started sleeping :) But the Internet was still my outlet.
That hasn't changed. I did not get PPD this time, I just didn't have time. With a 2 year old and a newborn, it was all about survival, and I didn't have time to cry. I just had to keep two kids alive. The Internet was still my outlet. Between babies, Facebook got cool. The Bump was always my friend, and Pinterest was invented. And I started blogging. And I opened an ETSY shop. All of which are honestly, my "me" time.
It helps me feel connected. That is the long and short of it. It's hard to be a stay at home mom. I loooooove going places, and we leave the house at least once a day. And when we start driving home, I sometimes feel a tiny sense of dread. Or blah. Something like that. So to get home, get them settled, and pop onto the Bump for 5 minutes somehow makes me feel better.
But it's becoming too much. My 3 year old was acting up today, and I tried to figure out what was going on. Not only do I have a 6 month old who needs me a lot, I try to sneak time on my trusty Apple whenever I can. And Olivia notices that now. She needs as much of me as I can give. And I can't give it ALLLLLL, but I can give a lot more than I do now. There is no reason why, beyond my morning coffee/laptop check, that I should be on here while they are awake. Between the two kids, cooking, house stuff, and laundry, I am split enough ways.
My new outlook is that when they are awake, it is their time. There are of course things I have to do. But there are also a lot of things I don't have to do. What I have to do is try to be the best I can be for these girls while they are small. If I could make myself really be "with" them for the better part of the day, I know I will start to learn a new normal.
Sorry this was a little jumbled. I know some of you guys out there know what I am talking about!
And so tonight, I sat outside with the girls, played in the bubbles, and really didn't want to be anywhere else. And that is what I need.
Nice job Reeney. I made a rule also, when she's awake, the computer doesn't open. And I read this the other day, which opened my eyes: "when in doubt, choose the kids. there will be plenty of time later to choose the work..." I really don't have a choice not to work some, but it comes home with me a lot, way too much actually. This quote was so simple yet an eye opener. You can replace "work" with anything really - "internet", "phone". Looks like you had a beautiful evening!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I also have a hard time with also. We are the first in our group to have kids, so my only outlet is online.. but I spend way too much time on the computer. I think I might make this a rule for me. Which means I'll be bumping alot less ;) Thanks for the insight.
ReplyDeleteWell said! I do have to make more of an effort with facebook - on my phone! It's an addiction and I find myself on my phone while LO is playing on the floor or jumping in the bouncer when I should be giving him my full attention. Thank you for writing it in such a way that gives me a boost to get my act together!
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